big things, small packages.
By Chelsey Washington
What's Wrong, Why the big ego? Does it overcompensate for something else that you are lacking, emotionally, mentally, sexually, physically?” Questions I used to ask frequently about this guy I was once involved with. It was as if I was dating the black version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Pseudo-deep and charming around those who had already formulated their own opinions about him (while wearing rose-colored glasses no doubt), his inflated ego was a facade that stemmed from his lack of self-confidence and served as a security blanket of reassurance. I presume he believed that if he acted like more than he was, those around him would start to believe him.
“I presume he believed that if he acted like more than he was, those around him would start to believe him.”
From constantly praising himself for things he was suppose to do, to comparing himself to others just to verbally rip them to pieces, He lived with the belief people were always out to get him and were actually jealous (I’m still unclear about why that would be the case). Once, he even claimed that women only wanted to be with him so they could “have his baby”. Despite his false talk and potential mental illnesses, my biggest query was if he was he able to be honest with himself when he sat in silence and thought over his life? I knew the truth. He quietly possessed a deep-seeded hurt that I couldn’t begin to alleviate. I had to then reflect and ask, “Who am I dealing with?” I was as confused as he was and couldn’t keep up with the actuality of who he was, the reality of who he claimed to be and the faint glimmer of what he wanted to be (after all, none of those individuals were remotely similar). One day I would be all he needed, the next day he would have wandering eyes and a secret desire to “see other people.”
I guess if you give someone with low self-esteem some attention, they’ll linger like a stray cat expecting for you to continuously feed their confidence. The praises, continued to go to his head and the more attention he was fed, the hungrier he grew for validation from those he interacted with. But because I saw past the charade, I just couldn’t stomach the “let me kiss your boo-boo and make you feel better” act. The way I saw it, I had issues of my own. In the end what I came to understand is that there is a thin line between self-confidence and arrogance, but what’s more is the stark similarity between self love and self hate live in living color. It became uncomfortably obvious that in his pursuit of extreme love for himself he had somewhere confused the two.
Like Kanye said, “We’re all self-conscious,” and some of us desperately need the reality created by others’ perceptions of us. A dangerous predicament and precarious position, because a false sense of self is like a giant red balloon and the opinions of others are like a pin, usually resulting in self-esteem deflation, How Ironic? The egos so many of us try to hide behind are the same thing that exposes our truths.